Sport Lisboa e Benfica 2 Sporting CP 1

Sport Lisboa e Benfica v Sporting CP
November 12^th, 2023
Estádio da Luz
Matchday 11

The Warm Up

The first Dérbi de Lisboa of the season as we travel to face off against city rivals Os Pombos or as they’re more formally known Sport Lisboa e Benfica. A reminder to non nationals to begin with that Lisboa appears in the name of one of the two clubs in this fixture and it’s not that of the green and white side of the city, so anyone using the words Sporting and the anglicised Lisbon in the same sentence, know this – you’re a fucking halfwit and come the revolution you shall be taken outside and shot at dawn. Just in case you didn’t also know Lionel Messi is named after Lionel Ritchie so if you're saying his name wrong too you're also getting shot at dawn. Oh and whilst we’re at it Internazionale and AC Milano play their football in the borough of San Siro, not at the San Siro. The correct name being the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza just in case you weren’t aware. So to add to my recent free lessons, you’ve now learned a little Greek mythology, basic Swedish and shit you really should know if you claim to be any sort of a football fan especially considering one of the examples given is the eight time winner of the Balloon D’Or and considered by many to be the greatest player of all time and yet too many people can’t get his fucking name right. Just because his nickname is pronounced’Leo doesn’t mean you say his name Leo-nel. Gahhhhhhh. Here’s Leonel Ritchie with his hit single Dancing on the Ceiling said no one ever. Do the fucking maths people if you still fall into that category…

And breathe in 2,3,4 and out 2,3,4. So dérbi days – in summary, stressful affairs triggering odd reactions as we’ve seen above and that’s before a ball has been kicked. (Ahhhh see there was a point to it. Clever ramble huh). This is one of the two games that will test heart rates, patience levels and how much your arse can twitch when the assistant referee holds up a board indicating twelve minutes additional time more than any other during the season. A game only enjoyed by the fans of the winning side come the final whistle. You can't walk out of a ground on the losing side and proclaim 'well that was entertaining despite the loss.' No sir-e-Bob. You switch off your phone, you develop that pretend tickly cough before work on the Monday morning and tell your boss ‘I can’t come in I’m dying of lung cancer and my treatment might end the day after the next dérbi, but then again it might need another six months treatment if we also lose at home, I mean *cough if the treatment fails.’ You avoid having your haircut because despite the person doing it being genuinely lovely, they’re a member of the despised city rivals and quite frankly they can now do one and fuck off and you’ll by choice sport a bird’s nest on your head rather than be wound up by some idiot who also happens to be holding scissors and have you pinned in a chair so you’ve no choice but to listen to them bore on and wind you up.

Come the final whistle Sportinguista’s the world over want to know the red half of the Lisboa has switched their phones off and won’t take your texts and calls. The notion of friends and family doesn’t exist on Dérbi day if they’re from the dark side. When they finally switch their phones back on thinking the coast is clear they’ll be bombarded by good natured abuse and some not so good natured. How much are you paying that big nosed Argentinian twat with the girls name again? How many consecutive nights did you spend crying into your table cloth after you sold João Felix and how pissed are you that your missus said she’d give Viktor Gyökeres a night he’d never forget between the sheets and then your mother added ‘fuck yes I’d ride him until I broke him, the sexy Swedish bastard.’ And if it finishes in a draw – well bollocks here’s some abuse anyway because it’s Dérbi day and we all know that Os pombos are vermin – rats with wings as the famous old adage goes.

I’m big enough to admit that João Felix has lived in my head rent free since he ran riot against a Sporting defence who were quite frankly left chasing shadows for 90 minutes, but personally as an anti-social bastard living in England I don’t know anyone who follows Os pombos. So I’m looking for someone to step up and write their name into folklore and erase that particular painful memory from my brain. Tonight João is the day you start paying rent son, give me your address in Barcelona, I’m sending you the invoice. Will it be Marcus Edwards with another run into the box like he’s in 19th century Vienna captivating the locals with the greatest Waltz they’ve ever been party to pay witness to? Will it be a Paulinho glancing header from a Nuno Santos Rabona in the 99^th minute for a 1-0 win against all odds having been reduced to nine men at half time? Not sure my arsehole would not survive that one btw. Will Esgaio cannon one off his shin to secure his first hat-trick in Portuguese football having scored the first off his arse, the second deflecting off the back of his head and ^nestling snuggly Into the corner of the net – yes folks they all count! Or more likely Gyökeres fresh from the female fantasies of the red half of Lisbon slamming home another goal as the money men reiterate to any clubs watching – if you want him, it’s now the full €100m buyout and David Sullivan you poisonous little Russian hatted wearing prick, don’t even bother calling with your derisory offer of six pence and a bottle top you utter fucking clown. You take one of your dildos and go fuck yourself – he’s not going anywhere near your club. In years to come no one will remember ABBA and old big nose himself Zlatan as Sweden’s most famous exports to date, it’ll all be about Viktor. Do you remember the night he wrote his name into footballing history against Os Pombos? ‘Yes we fucking do!’ Sportinguista’s shall say – The spoils of war go the Viktor. Come on you lions!

The money markets

Despite the standings in the table with Sporting top three points clear of Os pombos and being the only side still undefeated in Portugal in the league. Despite Os pombos suffering a 3-1 defeat in midweek to Real Sociedad and having to complete a 1,800 km round trip to Donostia-San Sebastián whilst Sporting played a second string XI at home resting key players for this fixture. Despite Paulinho and Gyökeres both scoring six in the league this season compared to Di María’s 5 and Musa’s 3 as their top scorers so far. Despite all these factors for the first time this season we don’t start a game as favourites in the eyes of the bookmakers who’ve priced us at 21/10 for the win in comparison to 6/5 for a home win. You know what – I’m OK with that, expectations management. Despite the vitriol above I’d take a point now if offered, I was just going for the cheap laughs. Last season saw two Desmond’s so I should probably mention the draw at 12/5. In the Lion's–De’ we were quite frankly shafted with a 94^th equaliser from Neves which remains to date his only goal in his senior career. We also had to play Israel between the sticks so that’s a moral win right? Ask England cricket fans who won the Ashes this summer desp’te what the record books will show. We also led 2-1 at the Loft before the now departed Ramos completed his brace to complete another comeback. Do I have to explain the Desmond reference by the way? I do? You’re not an old fart like me. Fine – Desmond Tutu the late South African bishop. You do the rest of the maths. The last time Sporting failed to score in a competitive match was back in April in a 1-0 defeat to Juventus and it’s hard to imagine we won’t find the net again in the Dérbi. The question mark remains over the sides defensive frailties. Even the most ardent of Estrela fans won’t have envisaged their side scoring twice away from home last week. Raków scored Thursday night with their only decent chance of the entire game. But as we’ve seen this season apart from against Braga the forward line have earned their pennies and taken Sporting over the finishing line when it’s counted the most. Whatever the result come the final whistle it’s key that we don’t lose above all else. Anything else I think is a bonus for us if we are to genuinely to lay down a marker this early on in the season with aspirations to become league champions.

If you can find a market on bookings tonight’s referee Artur Dias has a reputation for trying to get as much TV time on himself as he can when Sporting are playing. In the four games he took charge for us last year he brandished 5 in total against Porto; 7 against Benfica in this same fixture, 7 against Santa Clara and had a complete meltdown with 11 brandished in total when we faced Famalicão.

I genuinely fear come the final whistle I’ll potentially be moaning more about the state of refereeing than the quality of the game on the pitch.

Team News

The football app has us lined up in a Christmas tree formation. A month too early but you never know. Gyökeres the fairy at the top coming in for Paulinho and Trincão makes way for Edwards. Gonçalves pushed forward from the midfield four with Morita returning from injury and Hjulmand in for Bragança. Reis is preferred to Nuno Santos on the left and with Esgaio keeping his place on the right it appears Amorim has broken his system of one flank attack based and one defensive. Finally at the back St Juste makes way for Diomande.

50 minutes to go at the time of writing until kick off. I feel sick.

First Half

1 The pigeons kick off and are attacking right to left. I’ve just walked half an hour and my nerves are still no better.

4 Mário quite literally man handled off the ball by Diomande who looks bemused the referee didn’t award a free kick. Oddly from three challenges in the opening minutes with the players looking for a decision the referee hasn’t given a single one. I still think he has a hard-on for Sporting. 

7 Two corners in quick succession for Sporting, the second sees the ball half cleared to Hjulmand but his contact is woeful from 18 yards and the ball goes out harmlessly beyond the left hand post. In fact the defensive header to clear the first corner was closer.

8 Hearts in mouth time as Rafa somehow contrives to knock it wide from 8 yards. How did he not put that one away? That all came from Sporting failing to clear their lines and the ball cannoning around the area.

10 Third Sporting corner with no end product which is no real surprise but the quality of the balls back into the final third twice after were appalling. Sporting look nervous. I’m nervous!

11 Rafa curls one from 18 yards onto the cross bar. Must have taken a deflection on the way through because the referee has indicated a corner. I’m ageing a week with every minute that passes.

13 First real bit of quality from Sporting as Gyökeres drives on with the ball from the halfway line. Knocked out for a throw with three men bearing down on him.

14 Coates the first name into the book for a foul on Musa. Think he’ll be wanting his mammy at half time the way he was rolling about on the floor

15 Handbags between Neves and Morita by the touchline. Referee takes no action against either player. This game certainly has that Dérbi flavour to it already; No quality but plenty of passion.

18 Half chance for Sporting as Reis flashes the ball across the six yard box but Esgaio just can’t get on the end of it as he lunges desperately to get his foot on it.

22 Inácio goes into the book for a late challenge on Neves. That looked worse than the one which Gyökeres was sent off for against Raków. That’s two of the back three walking a tightrope for the remainder of the game

23 Mário lofts the ball over to Luis at the back post. Thankfully the player ends up in the back of the net and not the ball. Adán had rushed off his line to try to block the shot but never got anywhere near the ball. Pigeons really should be 2-0 up and the games not even 25 minutes old yet.

29 Corner in finds Diomande unmarked who powers home a header from 10 yards pushed away low to the keeper’s right. Finally Sporting actually do something with a corner.

30 Morita shanks a shot low from 25 yards. Wasteful.

32 Sporting go close again. Clever pass lobbed over the defence into the box found Gonçalves whose shot was saved at point blank range. Finally after three minutes they show us the reverse angle. The ball from Edwards was one of genuine quality. He’s got a foot like a golf wedge. Gonçalves is off the ground as he strikes the ball but with little space to manoeuvre and two defenders behind all he could really do was aim it at the keeper. At least it improves his shots on target ratio I was moaning about in my other blog post this morning.

37 Lack of communication between two Sporting players on the edge of the 18 yard box after Reis had cleverly pulled the ball back. Frustrating as the two get in each other’s way and the ball is cleared.

39 Di María with enough time and space to sit and write his life story puts his effort past Adán and onto the far post. The flag belatedly goes up on the far side for offside. I’m not sure that was offside looking at the replay. I think there’s a man in the centre playing him on. Records will show it didn’t count though as Sporting take a free kick close to the halfway line. I’m going to say that should be 3-0 to the pigeons. No point in trying to window dress this into something it’s not.   

43 GOAL Holy fucking shit. I think I’ve just pulled a muscle in my right arm celebrating. Edwards plays a deft ball into the box where the onrushing Gyökeres smashes it first time from 14 yards past the keeper. Os Pombos 0 Sporting CP 1. That shot has almost broken all known laws of physics. He’s no right to score from that angle. Edwards first touch close to the half way line to lose his marker was superb but that finish is something else. Is there nothing this kid can’t do? 

No additional time for the first time this season as the referee blows his whistle for half time.

Half time 

Benfica 0 Sporting CP 1 

Glum faces in the crowd all around as the pigeon fanciers try to work out how the fuck they go in at half time 1-0 down. To be fair I’m trying to work out how they’ve gone in 1-0 down but I’m bouncing like Tigger in an A A Milne book. We’ve been nervous, there’s no other word for it. I don’t think we could complain if we’d traipsed off at half time 3-0 down. We’ve not been at the races at all that half. Other than Diomande’s header and the half chance for Gonçalves we’d not really threatened their goal. Rafa should have one, I’m not sure Di María was offside and given he’s the highest paid player in the league you’d expect him to have found the net one on one. I’m not entirely convinced Reis didn’t foul Luis as they both ended in the net with Adán in no man’s land on the other post. This being Sporting we need a second. Fast. Then a third. Even then I’d be nervous. 

Second half 

48 Early chance for the man of the hour Gyökeres but he can only fire at the keeper from an impossibly tight angle. He’s defied the laws of physics once but even he can’t do it twice. It’s Sportinguista’s making the majority of noise now as the pigeon fanciers can only muster whistles 

50 Straight red shown to Inácio. What a fucking bell end. He’s not been helped by the players reaction there as he’s done a Neymar rolling around like he’s just been shot through the kneecap. I said it was going to be a nervous 45. Make that an extremely fucking nervous 38. 

54 I was about to write well done to Amorim for not doing what all managers do and panic and bring on another defender and take off an attacking player and they’ve just shown St Juste on the bench getting ready. Reis could have slotted in back of the three. My guess is he takes Edwards off when personally I’d take off Gonçalves. 

56 Edwards and Gyökeres are pulling the defence apart by themselves as a two man wrecking crew as the pigeons push men forward looking for the equaliser…oh Edwards booked for simulation… and Edwards off for St Juste. Well that was obvious. Amorim is nothing but predictable. 

58 So now we defend whereas we actually looked threatening on the counter. Sometimes you have to be brave in football. 2-0 is easier to defend then a side hell bent on equalising in the Dérbi. I did say this referee has a hard on for us. 30 yellows in four games he took charge of last season involving Sporting. I should go back and see how many of those were dealt to our players but on tonight’s showing it could have been all 30. 

61 Mário fires low towards the bottom right of Adán’s goal from 20 yards. I think the Spaniard has got a hand to that but the referee says goal kick 

62 Silva goes down in the box. Referee waves his finger and says no penalty. He books Edwards for simulation. How is that any fucking different? 

65 Finally he’s forced to book a pigeon as Mário clips the heels of Gonçalves. I’m pretty sure I wrote this morning that this game could turn into a diatribe about Artur Dias. The bloke really is the Portuguese Mike Dean. I think after the Famalicão game last season I wrote he’ll be going back to the hotel and wanking himself silly over all his TV time. I see it being no different tonight. 

68 Hjulmand yellow for a foul on Tengstedt. I’ve lost count now. This guy should be banned from officiating our games 

69 Gonçalves I think rightly called offside as his shot from 18 yards is saved by the keeper. 

71 I’ve just let out the longest breath. 19 minutes is going to seem a long time.

72 Double substitution as Trincão and Nuno Santos come on for Reis and Gonçalves. The referee makes Gonçalves depart from the side of the pitch despite being about five yards away from Trincão. Gonçalves does well not to get booked cause I’d have told him to fuck off and stop being a cunt. Trincão allows himself a giggle though as he runs onto the pitch 

74 Another yellow as Otamendi and Neves both try take a chunk out of Gyökeres. Neves the one whose name goes into the book. So what’s that now five yellows for Sporting, a straight red and two yellows for the pigeons. The Artur Dias show everybody – come on down. What a fucking mug. 

80 Well the last nine minutes felt more like 90. I’d hate to be attached to a heart monitor right now. 

84 Morita down with cramp. He’s been helped by Coates. Referee points to his watch. Of course he fucking does. Jobsworth. 

84 Paulinho on for Morita. 

85 I’m not sure if that was a shot or a pass from Trincão. Either way it didn’t work.

86 Mário replaced for the pigeons. I’m guessing the whistling was from the Sportinguista’s in attendance after his acrimonious departure from Sporting 

88 Please don’t hold up a board with something ridiculous for additional time come 90 minutes. My heart is pounding out my chest. This reminds me of the famous win away to Braga when down to ten men. 

90 Well that’s normal time over. 

Plus six shown

+1 Di María smashes an over hit pass. Watch Adán get booked for time wasting in a minute… Oh no he’s resisted. Perhaps his arm hurts from the other 8 cards shown 

+2 Foul given 24 yards out from goal on the left hand side. Trincão stood on the players foot. Ball goes out for a corner. Keeper has come up. 

+3 GOAL Fuck me. Three minutes. Three fucking minutes. Ball found its way to Neves unmarked who smashes it home from ten yards. Un-fucking-believable. Scores twice in his career and both against Sporting. Pigeons 1 Sporting CP 1 

+6 GOAL Ball is in the net again. Flag is up for offside very quickly. It’s going to be fucking tight. If it’s given its surely the last kick of the game. I can feel the acid in my throat. It’s been given. 2 fucking 1. How fucking cruel is this game. I’ve no idea who scored. I don’t fucking care. I’m not even going to describe it. The world and his wife can fuck off right now. Pigeons 2 Sporting CP 1 

Full Time 

Benfica 2 Sporting CP 1

The Final Word 

I won’t lie I had to put my trainers on and go for another walk so as not to break anything in the house. I shit you not there were two pigeon wings about 50 yards apart laying on the pavement so clearly one of the local cats didn’t have Artur Dias acting as the twelfth man. Luckily for the cat I saw during my calm down walk it ran off before I had the chance to do my best Kurt Zouma impression and put it into next week. I don’t kick cats by the way before any dim wit can’t tell that’s a joke. I would however fucking drop kick Artus Dias into next week.

There’s a slight irony that I thought we handled the game better with ten men than we did with the full compliment of eleven on the pitch. My takeaways from the game were Di María is over paid and has ears like Dr Spock in Star Trek. Artur Dias should never be allowed to officiate a Sporting game again. No one fucking paid to watch you tonight you fucking muggy little cunt. I can take a loss. I can take being kicked in the teeth in the dying seconds but what I can’t take is one sided officiating like that. It’s frankly fucking criminal and he’s an embarrassment to the professional game in Portugal. I don’t know how far onside the winning goal was but it's got to have been by the finest of margins and football can be the cruellest of mistresses. In truth we weren’t good enough in the first half and yet somehow we came in leading. Second half we were plenty good enough and came in having lost. So go figure. It’s like 12 rounds of boxing which comes down to points. Unless you’ve scored each round don’t complain at the end result because on countback usually the better fighter will have won and they should have been out of sight before we took the lead.

I don’t think Amorim was right to take Edwards off. Along with Gyökeres he provided the only bright sparks for Sporting and if I was him I’d feel mightily aggrieved. I’m pretty sure he did the same when Diomande got sent off and at that point Edwards was one of the best players on the pitch for Sporting. Inácio’s challenge wasn’t a straight red. It was a yellow which would have given him a red and that would have been correct but you’re talking the difference I believe now between a one game ban and a three game ban in case you hadn’t got why I was making that obscure point.

So I guess I need to nominate my man of the match. Had Edwards stayed on I think he’d have gotten the nod but it can really only be Gyökeres who worked tirelessly throughout the game and often for little reward but that didn’t stop him. He scored a wonder goal of true quality. He never gave up, has the engine of a Volvo which just keeps on going no matter how many miles you put on him. I’m gutted. I said I’d have taken the point before kick off and I meant it. So for all those in the green side of the city phones off now. Just remember though all the women on the red side will go to bed wet at the thought of a night between the sheets with our boy Viktor.

What is the uber clichéd thing footballers post on their social media accounts – we go again!